future tense.

 

Celebrating the Maestro of the Macabre Lucio Fulci’s birthday today by re-watching this futuristic classic...

 

 

Warriors of The Year 2072 (AKA Fighting Centurions, Rome, 2072 A.D., The New Gladiators. 1984).
Dir: Lucio Fulci.
Cast: Jared Martin, Fred Williamson, Howard Ross, Eleonora Brigliadori, Cosimo Cinieri, Claudio Cassinelli, Al Cliver, Haruiko Yamanouchi, Penny Brown, Valerie Jones, Mario Novelli and Donal O'Brien.

"It was math that saved us!"

It's the near future (2072 to be precise but I guess you knew that) and  - after a nuclear war probably - all of planet Earth's major cities have been rebuilt using Lego, egg boxes and toilet rolls, topped off with Christmas tree lights.

The only outlet for the citizens of this new square world order are violent teevee shows (well two of them) broadcast daily to keep the populace subdued and entertained.

Purves: Purveyor of teevee violence and fan of Steven's tailor.

The biggest of these is 'Death Bike', a cross between Junior Kick Start (albeit without Peter Purves) and a Friday night out in Gornal where a bunch of mad men on motorcycles kick seven shades of shite out of each other until only one is left standing.

Well, sitting actually.

On a bike.

Obviously.

Undefeated world champion of Death Bike is the enigmatically bubble-permed Drake (Martin, pigeon chested star of teevee's Dallas, War of the Worlds and Fantastic Journey) but more of him later.

The other show is called 'Pretend Scares' or something similar and features (from what I can gather from the little amount of it shown) a sweaty woman with hi-tech wires attached to her head watching clips of old Fulci movies and having to pretend that:

A. It's real.

and

B. She's not really scared.

It'll come as no surprise to find that ratings for this have been slipping more than Captain Tom on an icy path, so the evil execs behind 'Pretend Scares' (after failing to get 'Bastards Hole' past the pilot stage) decide to resurrect the age old idea of the gladiatorial arena.

Huge cotton bud or tiny lady?

This ultra-violent battle of the damned (but not featuring Dave Vanian) will see twelve convicted killers (minus Brandon Flowers and Dave Keuning obviously) slug it out in a modern day Roman Coliseum until only one survives.

To make certain it'll be a sure fire ratings winner, the slimy teevee executive in charge, Bob Cortez (an unusually clean shaven Cassinelli) decides to firstly employ Russell T Davies as show runner before hiring what looks like Spandau Ballet to murder Drake's hot young wife, then murdering them and then framing Drake for all of the crimes.

Really it does make sense when you watch it.

Bigger than Trumps.

Taken in chains to the training area before being given a sexy bracelet (tho' no pearl necklace) that can administer pain, Drake is introduced to his fellow combatants including genre king Al Cliver as the hunky Kirk, The Last Hunter's Yamanouchi and Fred Williamson as the super suave Tommy Abdul.

There are a few other folk but frankly none of them are that memorable.

Under the auspice of evil trainer Frank Raven (Ross from such classics as The New York Ripper, Naked Werewolf Woman and Poppea: A Prostitute in Service of the Emperor) Drake endures, oh, minutes of torture and bench presses before he begins to break the corporations programming.

It seems that he's starting to realise that he didn't kill Tony Hadley and co. after all and that it may a massive conspiracy.

Luckily the janitor of the faculty, an ex-racer named Monk (Doctor Butcher himself, O'Brien), is an old friend of Drake's who had to leave show business after accidentally melting his face in a freak infomercial recording and who now along with his sexy computer boffin sidekick Sarah (the fantastically fringed ultra-MILF Brigliadori from Beyond Kilimanjaro, Across the River of Blood and, um, my dreams) have decided to investigate Drake's story, uncovering as they do a plot by Junior (the sentient computer that runs the station) to do some bad stuff to folk.

Oh yes and take over the world.

Luckily our heroes have a plan.

"Excuse me, can you tell me the way to the toilet?"

Whilst Sarah goes to visit Junior's creator, Monk makes our hero swallow a magic silver Lego brick that enables him to open doors and turn off force-fields by simply pulling his cum face and it's with this special gift our hero plans his escape.

Whilst all this sex face fun is going on, Sarah has gone to visit Professor Towman (Murder Rock's Cinieri, tastefully covered head to toe in gravy and with a red spot daubed on his forehead), the inventor of Junior to see if the computer could really be mental.

He reckons not but gives Sarah a special key to his control room and a box of plans to turn him off just in case.

Which is pretty bloody lucky seeing as the next instant he's shot and killed as is - the not as attractive as Sarah - Sybil (Brown, the costume designer on Fatal Frames) a bad lady that was sent to follow our heroine (to pick up fashion tips I reckon).

Would you believe it tho' because Monk was also following Sarah (and by default Sybil) and manages to sneak Sarah out of the building under his coat and back to the studio in time to see Drake and his merry band recaptured and made to do sweaty press-ups over an electric floor as punishment.

"And here come the Belgians!"

As the clock counts down and the contestants are preparing for battle, Sarah races to find the key to stopping Junior and save humanity from death by crafty computer....

His slash-tastic horror tendencies exhausted (for a short while at least) after the sleazy hate-fest that was The New York Ripper, Lucio Fulci decided to take time out from spooky scares and throat cutting (well, maybe not from throat cutting) to bring us this fantastically accurate prediction of the rise of reality teevee and corporate whoredom, never realising how prophetic the films concepts were to become.

His trademark visual style, surreal plotting and (sometimes over) use of extreme close-ups (usually of actors pulling what appear to be officially termed their 'sex faces') are all present and correct, adding a sense of the comfortable to the otherwise alienating futuristic feel of the film and Fulci's predilection for copious amounts of blood and violence firmly place the characters in the here and now for it seems that no matter how shiny and silver the future will become blood will always be deep red.

The cast with it's familiar Fulci regular faces and smooth, mini-skirted thighs (yes, that's you Eleonora Brigliadori) play their roles with a stoic, earnest conviction rarely seen outside the Hallmark Channels true life drama output whilst Fred Williamson, so obviously on autopilot whilst awaiting his delivery of malt beer and cigars, is still better than any number of similarly disinterested actors not named Fred Williamson tho' if I'm honest it's scary to see chisel jawed sex god Al Cliver slowly morph into a puffy cheeked hamster during the duration of a movie.

Eleonora Brigliadori today,
just because I can.

Three years before Arnie became The Running Man, Jared Martin was The Biking Bully and Fulci was showing the world the future as would be.

Genius? Prophet? Mad man or just lucky?

Or a mix of all four?

YOU decide!

love story.

 Artwork from the frankly fantastic back catalogue of Geoff Love and his Orchestra.

doctor what?

 

terrorvision.

It's the final episode of Doctor Who tonight so been desperately trying to find something to fill that big, tight Time Lord gap in my teevee schedule.

Bizarrely this features Max Adrian who was actually in Doctor Who when it was good, former Dalek operator Robert Jewell and Simon Oates who starred in Doomwatch which was co-created by Dr. Kit Pedler, who also co-created the Cybermen.

It's like poetry.

 

 

The Terrornauts (1967).

Dir: Montgomery Tully.

Cast: Simon Oates, Zena Marshall, Charles Hawtrey, Patricia Hayes, Stanley Meadows, Max Adrian, Richard Carpenter, Leonard Cracknell, André Maranne, Frank Forsyth and Robert Jewell.

They're houseproud, I'll say that for them. They're houseproud!

Welcome to Project Star Talk - a UK based radio telescope mission - that appears to have been designed by Mr Spoon from Button Moon - set up to search for radio signals from outer space.

Seems legit.

In charge of the project is the bri-nylon clad hunk o' love that is Dr Joe Burke (Doomwatch star Oates) who, whilst helping his "uncle" on an archaeological dig as a child, found a spooky cube that cause him to have strange dreams of alien worlds.

Seems even more legit.

Anyway it was this experience that drove him to create Project Star Talk, tho' I'm pretty sure he never mentioned that during the funding process.

The Famous Five re-union looked a wee bit grim.

 

Assisting him in the mission are the fruit obsessed electronics expert Ben Keller (Brit teevee and movie stalwart Meadows) and token lady Sandy Lund (Marshall who was in Dr No don't you know). 

Unfortunately in the 4 years since the project began they've achieved absolutely bugger all much to the chagrin of facility manager Dr Henry Shore (Adrian, star of such - actual classics as Dr. Terror's House of Horrors, The Music Lovers, The Boy Friend and The Devils as well as a top turn in Doctor Who), who gives them a (fairly high pitched) ultimatum - find aliens in the next 90 days or the project is finished.

Luckily they still have a few quid left in the kitty so Keller is sent out to Cash Converters to buy an old CB radio and some wires in the hope that when plugged into the massive Sigma IV aerial on the roof they might have a bit more luck reaching out to Uranus.

Sorry.

 

We had one of these bad boys on our roof in the 80s...surprised no planes hit it.

With all this extra cash getting spent - and not wanting it to turn into another SNP/camper van debacle, the grant board send an accountant, Mr Joshua Yellowlees (Carry On god Hawtrey) to check on everything they've purchased - as well as to give Cockernee char lady Mrs Jones (Comedy legend Hayes) someone to flirt with.

No, seriously.

And it's during one particularly saucy, innuendo laden late night encounter over the Battenberg  cake and crumpets that Burke and company finally receive the signal they've been waiting for - a repeating pattern coming from a fantastically complex robot-controlled space base (disguised as a colander with a few egg boxes attached) on small asteroid in the outer reaches of the solar system. 

Excitedly Burke sends a signal back and eagerly awaits a response.

Imagine their collective surprise then when the following night the reply comes, not in the form of a Close Encounters style PC start-up ditty but as a huge spaceship that lifts the entire building - and its occupants - into its hold and whisks them away to the asteroid, leading the telescope's staff to think that Burke's space shed has exploded killing everyone inside.

Even tho' they all saw the UFO out of the window.

Fake news indeed.

I wouldn't want one of them swimming up my arse....but then again...

 

Upon arrival on the asteroid, our heroes are greeted by a robot (that appears to be constructed from an upturned compost bin with a pair of garden shears, an outdoor clothes dryer and an egg whisk attached, expertly played by the afore-mentioned former Dalek operator Jewell) that sets a series of cunning - in a kind of proto-Adventure Game way* -  tests to discover if they are worthy of the task ahead. 

And what, pray, do these tests involve? I hear you ask.

Well first up they have to unlock a lunchbox full of cakes, then they have to decide how best to get thru a sliding door and which way round to hold a gun before deciding whether to shoot a scary alien, fuck it or feed it sandwiches.

No, really.

Let's hear it for that old favourite....."LAUGH NOW!"

Obviously our heroes quickly pass with flying colours (it is a short film) tho' there was some visible wavering regarding the pretty lipped alien monster - especially from Ben if I'm honest - and are rewarded for their endeavors with access to the space bases control room complete with a bright green skeleton wearing a wire festooned shower cap and an extensive library of 'knowledge cubes' which look exactly like the one found by Joe when he was a child.

Result.

Admit it, you would.

 

 

Grabbing an armful of the aforementioned cubes - and a couple clean shower caps (which it appears allows you to 'read' the boxes) -  the heroic band excitedly head back to the control room but on the way a very clumsy - or is it drunk? -  Ben accidentally knocks Sandy onto a small coffee table which causes her to disappear in a puff of smoke.

And a really choppy jump cut.

Yup, turns out the coffee table was in fact a hi-tech matter transmitter which has transported Sandy to a strange alien world very similar to the one from Joe's childhood dreams.

Unfortunately the planet is home to a violent tribe of wobble-breasted men in green face paint, ill-fitting dresses and bald wigs intent on killing Sandy. 

I shall refrain from commenting for fear of reprisals.

 

"Put it in me!"

 

Luckily good ol' Joe figures out what's happened almost immediately and armed with the groovy space gun he was given earlier heads down to the planet for a wee bout of violent gun play and babe rescuing before returning to the space base for a wee kiss and a cuddle.

Fuck yeah.

 

 

 

Whilst all this action stuff has been going down Ben has been busy sorting out the cubes in order of colour (well it was either that or watch Mr Yellowlees and Mrs Jones get more and more suggestive as time goes on - ready for Joe (well he is the hero) to return and tell them what to do next.

And that is sit around like an utter tool wearing a childs swimming hat whilst attaching the wire on top to the side of one of the boxes in order to narrate the history of the alien planet below.

Seriously not even a disheveled Sandy can hide how fucking embarrassed they all look.

Even I felt sorry for them for a minute or so.

Well with only about 15 minutes of the scant runtime left it's time to get down to the rest of the plot good and proper with the terrifying reveal that the savage planet below is actually the home of the folk who built the space base and they've regressed to such a barbaric level due to the effects of a spooky space ray belonging to an alien invasion fleet.

A fleet that is now heading to Earth.

I made this.

 

And so begins a race against time - and taste - as our merry band frantically try to figure out which button (hint, it's the big red one) controls the space bases rockets in an attempt to destroy the incoming invasion fleet before it destroys Earth.... 

 

 

 

Based on the 'popular' 1960 sci-fi novel The Wailing Asteroid written by pulp novelist and inventor of the front projection special effects process (no, really) Murray Leinster, directed (in the loosest possible sense) by Montgomery Tully and produced by Milton Subotsky's Amicus films, The Terrornauts is an end of the pier, low/no-budget oddity that comes across like a community centre production of Quatermass ghostwritten by Rentaghost's Bob Block.

Yes, it's that good.

With upper lips stiffer than the cardboard sets, The Terrornauts is a terribly British tale of space ships and strange shit obviously influenced by Subotsky's earlier Doctor Who adaptations but with a budget closer to the original BBC source material rather than big screen versions that takes itself just seriously enough to cover the fact that most of the hi-tech sci-fi stuff has been hastily thrown together out of the canteen drawers and the fact that everything seems to be shot in either a spare bedroom or someones garden.

Tho' there's no excuse for the sub-Tony Hart gallery submission matte work on show, seriously it looks like a dogs stole some crayons, ate them then vomited.

"My name's Joe....Joe Skywalker!"

As for the cast, they do an admirable job with what they're given - which in Stanley Meadows case is they keys to the local greengrocers - Oates obviously used this as his audition piece for Doomwatch whilst Marshall is obviously thinking about how much money she'll make as a sewing pattern model**

But the films greatest performances are from the comedic powerhouses that are Charles Hawtrey and Patricia Hayes - Hawtrey's prissy accountant appears to have stumbled in from a late 70s Douglas Adams script-edited Doctor Who episode whilst Hayes (slightly) saucy tea lady provides the perfect foil not only to Hawtrey but to the rest of the cast too.

It's just a pity it's not her that gets to beam down to the alien planet to slaughter the bad guys.

Now that would be magnificent.

Seriously The Terrornauts is an under-rated classic. 

Even if the title makes fuck-all sense.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*Ah be still my beating heart as I recall my childhood crush on the dungaree clad Gnoard played by Charmian Gradwell.

Sigh.

 

**£78.96

people you fancy but shouldn't (part 112).

 

Leontine Snell - best known for her portrayal as shiny haired saucepot Luisa Solmi in Pietro Francisci's scifi epic Star Pilot (1966).

venus in furs.

With the latest (or is that last?) series of Doctor Who hurtling toward it's climax after a series of more and more disappointing episodes that seem to have replaced the stuff we loved about the show (monsters! mad adventures!) with stern-faced lectures and self-congratulatory issue-based masturbation I've found myself desperately searching for some top quality sci-fi thrills to fill the Who void.

 

Seriously, it's like reliving being a fan - sorry, enthusiast - during the 80s...Thanks for bringing back those memories Russell!*

 

So with that in mind I finally got around to watching this t'other night after it sitting unloved in a cupboard for fuck knows how long.

To be honest it was well worth the wait as it's a work of utter genius.

Or fevered madness.

You decide.

Apologies if the review/write up goes a wee bit mental but I've actually watched it twice now and still have no idea what the fuck was going on.

"I think only what I said. Nothing more".

 

Star Pilot (AKA 2+5: Missione Hydra - 1966)

Dir: Pietro Francisci.

Cast: Leonora Ruffo, Mario Novelli, Roland Lesaffre, Kirk Morris, Alfio Caltabiano, Leontine Snell, Nando Angelini, Giovanni De Angelis, Gianni Solaro, Antonio Ho, John Chen and Gordon Mitchell.

 

It's the long hot summer of 1966 where on the Mediterranean island of Sardinia a lone horse rider returning from the local tavern is surprised to see a strange alien spaceship (cunningly disguised as a Thermos flask) crash land in a nearby field before disappearing into a convenient hole and causing his horse to shit itself.

Oh and make a small garden wall fall over.

No budget spared here then.

Later that week in sunny and scenic Rome top talc-headed science bloke Professor Bob Solmi (French film legend Lesaffre), his bouncy-haired babe-tastic ADHD raddled daughter Luisa (Actor, choreographer and all round vision of Italian feminine perfection made flesh Snell) and his hunky, spunky lab technician Paolo Nutini (Warriors of The Year 2072 'star' and Matt Berry from Wish Novelli) - after a thrilling and fairly dangerous car ride around the city courtesy of Luisa's complete lack of concentration - have been ordered by the governments top science man to investigate the sudden increase in radiation levels on the island as well as a mysterious patch of dead grass on the school playing fields, much to Luisa's chagrin seeing as she was planning to audition for a dog food commercial that very afternoon.

It's like an X Files/Beechgrove Garden/Corrie crossover but with way tighter Capri pants.

 

"Whoaaa! Bodyform!"

Unbeknown to our heroes there's a sinister gang of Oriental (but definitely NOT Chinese as the keep on explaining to anyone who'll listen) spies are on their tail after mistaking the radiation/dead grass/horse scaring/wall breaking stuff on Sardinia as the proof needed that Professor Solmi is developing a super weapon.

Sounds legit.

After another thrilling car ride (with the Orientals causing as crash in order to sneak one of their agents into the Professors car in order to find out their plans whilst pretending to be asleep (no really) and a scenic helicopter ride over Rome our terrific trio arrive in Sardinia where they meet up with fellow scientists cum beige clad hunks for hire Morelli and Giulio (Latter day documentary maker and  educational TV programmer Angelini and Churchill's Leopards star De Angelis) who proceed to lay the table for dinner as Luisa dances around the kitchen whilst forcing her (albeit peachy) arse into the faces of anyone nearby.

The group retire to bed in advance of a heavy day of science the next morn but their slumber is rudely interrupted by and earthquake opening up a massive cavern behind a nearby rosebush.

And on that bombshell the group hastily get dressed and prepare to investigate.

But not before Luisa has come into the kitchen to proclaim she's only wearing her underwear before returning to her room and coming back fully clothed.

Which is nice.

And to be fair they are very pretty pants.

"Oh Vic I've fallen!"

 

Heading into the cavern the group soon come across the buried spaceship and after moving a large piece of polystyrene out of the way uncover the crafts entrance hatch before excitedly exploring inside.

Finding all this excitement way to tiring everyone heads back for lunch but the feast of cheese and crisp sandwiches and Vimto is rudely interrupted by the evil Oriental spies who were lying in wait in the (fairly roomy it has to be said) wooden shed the scientists call home in order to kill them.

Or steal their secrets.

Or tell them off.

I have no idea.

Anyway the Professor persuades the spies that they haven't got a secret weapon but do in fact have a large alien thermos buried out the back and invite them to see it.

"I shoot you now!"

 

 

But all this banging about earlier has woken the spaceships crew and as the earth folk approach they prepare to attack.

And they do this by sending three milky-thighed Telletubbies (sorry androids) into the cave to, um lie down or something.

Surprisingly this trick seems to work and whilst the scientists and spies are distracted by the telletubbies undulating bellies the aliens attack with deadly sparkler guns, killing two of the spies before subduing Solmi, Luisa, Paolo, Morelli, Giulio, the not at all Chinese Chang and his unnamed pal we'll just call Phil and then politely introducing themselves to their captives.

Enter (yes please) the slinkily seductive commander of the Hydranian forces - the red wigged, fishnet bodysuited Commander Kaela (played to seductive perfection by Ruffo - star of among other things Mario Bava's Hercules in the Haunted World (1961) and your granddads dreams) and her swimming cap sporting, muscle-man cohorts Artie (actor, screenwriter and film director Caltabiano) and Belsy (Morris AKA Adriano Bellini - Italian bodybuilder cum actor and winner of Mr.Italia Bodybuilding contest 1961).

 

Time for Tubbie bye-byes!

The aliens explain that they were investigating reports the humans were capable of creating a doomsday bomb when they accidentally crashed their ship and now need help to repair it in order to get home and politely ask the humans for help before strapping all seeing eyes to them (with handy built-in molecular disrupters in case they try to escape/use the toilet etc) and taking Luisa hostage.

Which is a good excuse for her to strip down to a sheer bodysuit covered in feathers and try to seduce Belsy with a saucy dance whilst he talks about eugenics and murdering genetically inferior folk on his home planet.

To be fair tho' as first dates go that's pretty much perfect.

 

Plucking gorgeous

 

The humans quickly repair the ship (to be fair it's a fairly short movie) but not before Morelli (or the other one) has managed to sneakily send a message to their boss Dr. Chang (latter day ice cream Solaro - AKA John Sun - who is also bizarrely not Chinese) resulting in Commander Kaela electrocuting him (to death) and the army being mobilized to fight the alien horde.

Saying that tho' can three people actually constitute a horde?

Answers on a postcard please.

Anyway as the mighty military forces (well 6 guys and a jeep) advance on the cavern Kaela decides to change the deal and take the humans with her to the planet Hydra, partly because she's fascinated by their unique 'genetic material' (which I assume is shorthand for Paolo's peach arse) but mainly for the fact that they need extra crew members seeing as the androids where all killed meaning they have no-one to clean the toilets.

And with that they blast off into space.

 

Next stop....Button Moon!

 Cue 30 (very) odd minutes of flirting, bouncy space walks and cool dancing - and more flirting - on an alien planet before being attacked by space monkeys and all while Professor Solmi waxes lyrical about Einstein's theory of relativity and how, because they've been traveling so fast that Earth’s past  is now their future.

Or something.

And just to prove this theory a Russian (or more likely Bulgarian) space capsule floats by giving Paolo and Kaela an opportunity to play on a kiddies trampoline whilst pretending to be in space whilst holding silver-sprayed 'space snorkels' in the (albeit very pretty) mouths as they head to investigate.

How I met your mother.

 

Climbing aboard the pair quickly come across (but not in that way) a pair of motorcycle helmeted skeletons clutching a copy of the 1978 Readers Wives calendar proving Solmi's (and Einstein's) theory correct.

But just in case the audience are particularly thick they access the ships computer just to explain the situation again.

This leaves Kaela and the crew with a serious dilemma.

Do they continue on to the planet Hydra in the hope that it's still there and not abandoned after some heavy rainfall or something or do they head back to Earth in the hope that it hasn't been destroyed in a nuclear war.

There's a clue in the trailer by the way.

 

 

From the visionary director (as in he had eyes) Pietro Francisci - the man behind Hercules, Samson and Ulysses, Hercules Unchained and Sinbad and the Caliph of Baghdad among other classics - comes one of the most slap-dash, threadbare, nonsensical yet most entertaining movies - named Star Pilot or even 2+5: Missione Hydra obviously - ever made.

Taking its cues from the likes of World Without End (1956), Devil Girl from Mars (1951) and The Day The Earth Stood Still (1951) by way of the best of pulp sci-fi (Perry Rhodan** I'm looking at you) and Buster Crabbe's Flash Gordon,  2+5: Missione Hydra has everything we love about 60s Italiana - a cast decked out in arse-hugging leather thongs over spandex leggings (for the men) and sheer body stockings, eye gouging pointy bras and feathers (for the laydees) via talcum powered grey wigs and big quiffs and all set to a way out futuristic, big(ish) band score from Nico Fidenco (AKA Italian pop god, soundtrack ace and frequent Joe D'Amato collaborator Domenico Colarossi, best known for being the first Italian singer to sell one million copies of a single, the hit ditty What a Sky from the film Silver Spoon Set) and all played out on sets constructed entirely from old television sets, tin foil and MDF board.

And that's not even mentioning the fact that at the halfway point a group of flea infested ape men turn up and start fighting everyone.

See Kubrick that's how you do apes.

I mean what's not to love?

And that's even before mentioning the sheer playful sexiness that oozes thru' the celluloid every time Leonora Ruffo and Leontine Snell (oh go on then and Kirk Morris, who owns probably THE tightest arse I have ever seen - seriously he could crack walnuts with one flex of his buttocks) appear on screen.

Pure interplanetary perfection.

 

Obviously upon completion the director knew he had a sci-fi classic that was ahead of its time on his hands which is probably why it was dubbed into English and re-released in 1977 to show that pesky newcomer George Lucas how science fiction should be done.

So there.

I mean without this movie we'd have never been blessed with such classics as Alfonso Brescia's masterpiece Battaglie Negli Spazi Stellari (or his The Beast in Space so you can't have everything) as well as those old favourites Starcrash and The Humanoid.

Pure cinematic sci-fi perfection.

*No seriously, look:

 

**Who even got his own movie with the 1967 release of Mission Stardust (AKA …4 ..3 ..2 ..1 …Morte, Perry Rhodan – SOS aus dem Weltall).